I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
