i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have so many feelings about this burrito
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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