tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
