I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
