see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize