Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
