if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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