Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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