Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
