why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
