before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
