she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
