weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
