I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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