Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
