No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dicks are not precious.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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