Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize