I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
