Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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