420 ftw
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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