our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I intend to get homeless drunk
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you made out with another girl for some wings
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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