Me too!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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