His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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