our cab driver is having phone sex.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
