I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
