i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
