He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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