Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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