I was born with a shot glass in my hand
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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