I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
