Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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