My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
