I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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