I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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