shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
