6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize