I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
