I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
