Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
