You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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