rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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