The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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