Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
