Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
