Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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