Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
