Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
