you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
