so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
