Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
