I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
