Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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