Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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