He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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