Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
