sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
