On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize