Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
