3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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