I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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