when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
