did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
